im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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