If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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