She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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