at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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