how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
