I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
