I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
