just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
