I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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