i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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