I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
