remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
