how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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