Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
