My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
