If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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