Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
