Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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