hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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