Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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