I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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