That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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