after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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