I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
