Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
