I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
