I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
