so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
