I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
