I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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