She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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