Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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