The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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