You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
