Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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