The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
