I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
