I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
