how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
