when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
