you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
