I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
