You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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