So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
