I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
