no, he came in my armpit
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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