There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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