Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
