peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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