I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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