1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
